In this interview exclusive to LIB, Elvina Ibru,
business woman & one of the daughters of
billionaire businessman Olorogun Michael Ibru,
opened up about why she doesn't want to get
married, how the society pressures women into bad
marriages. She also talked about having a child out
of wedlock and also explains why she only dates
younger men. Interesting interview. Read below...
You were quoted as saying you don't believe in
marriage sometime back, but why?
People feel that I don't want to get married
because I don't believe in marriage or because I
don't have anybody toasting me for marriage.
Wrong! I actually believe so much in marriage
and that's why I don't want to marry; because
marriage has been made a nonsense of
particularly in this country. As far as I'm
concerned, it's not a fair constitution to women.
For instance, if your husband cheats on you, you
are expected to forgive him. Even your own
mama go tell you "my dear that is what marriage
is. It's for better or worse. It's a mistake. It's the
devil." But if by mistake, a woman cheats on her
husband in this country, what are you talking
about?
She will be called all sorts of names. From
Ashawo to witch. If a woman cheats on her
husband, the man should ask the woman what is
it I'm doing wrong instead of castigating the
woman and the society joins in helping him to do
the same. But that's not the only issue I'm
talking about, there are so many. I grew up in a
polygamous family, I'm an Urhobo girl and
maybe that's part of the reasons I've never
desired to get married. Most Urhobo men are
expected to cheat on their wives. It's almost a
normal thing. If you are an Urhobo man and you
don't cheat on your wife they'll ask you, "Ol boy,
abi this woman don bury calabash for you?"
Are you serious?
"Yes! I said it, quote me. Maybe it's also my
background that brought about my perception of
marriage. I have loads of male friends that are
married and I know what they do. I also have
female friends; very beautiful girls and you can
imagine having dinner with like 12 to 13 of them and
all they ever talk about is their marriage and how
unhappy they are with their husbands. They'll then
ask me, you are looking fresh how do you do it? I
always show them my empty fingers and say no
man is sucking my blood. I'm not thinking about
whether my husband is with one small girl in
UNILAG or whether there is no enough money for
two of us, because if there is no money I go soak
garri for myself, but I'll never soak garri with you.
Forget it! I will not.
Wow! That's tough..
That's for me Elvina, and please let's not get this
twisted. Don't misquote me, I've never encouraged
young girls not to get married. Marriage is a
beautiful thing if you can do it. Go and get married,
but marriage is not for me Elvina. There are billions
of people in the world and God made everybody
different. The amount of strands of hair on each
person's head is different, even our thumb prints
are not the same. We can't even think alike. No
matter what similarities we share, there is always
some big individual differences, which is why
marriage itself is even hard. Sometimes, you don't
know yourself completely. If I don't know myself
completely, how then will I be able to abide with
somebody else. There is no way the person will not
get on my nerves and we'll both explode. So if you
can marry, beautiful! I'll come to your wedding and
wear Aso-Ebi. I'll dance and sing with you and pray
that you have a long-lasting union and beautiful
children. But me Elvina, I nor wan marry and frankly
speaking it's not by force.
But don't you think societal pressure is what makes
many ladies to want to marry by all means?
That's another thing in Nigeria as well, you have so
much pressures from families and friends as a
young girl to get married. So you just marry any
man that comes your way. You see a 25 years old
girl, before she pass 25 they've started pressuring
her, "are you not getting married?" "Who is the
man?" So, you just marry any nonsense. Even if she
doesn't feel that this is the person for her, she
starts getting scared psychologically wondering if
something is wrong with her. She starts thinking at
the age of 25 that she must marry the next available
guy or she might not get someone else to marry her
later; even if she is not totally in love with that guy.
So she should marry the person and be unhappy.
Most Nigerians will say that there is no such things
about love in marriage, but tolerance, what's your
take?
If it's about love, will tolerance not come into it. If
you love someone, you'll tolerate them. For me the
basis of marriage should be about love and nothing
else. This is what I'm saying, that I believe so much
in marriage that I'm not getting married; because I
can hear things like this all the time whereby
Nigerians will say marriage is about tolerance. Why
can't it be about love. I always say to God, if you
want me to get married, give me a husband that I'll
not manage. I can't manage marriage. I manage my
business, I manage finances, I manage social life, I
will not manage marriage. My marriage has to be
perfect and happy. God can do it. So if I am 75
years old and I meet one 80 years old Papa, and I
see that, 'wow! God this is it!', then we'll get
married.
You have a child already and you are not married,
but there is this notion that there is always an
adverse effect on a child who doesn't have both
parents' upbringing, what's your take?
That is complete, utter rubbish. Yes, I'm not married
and I have a child, there is nothing wrong with me
and there is nothing wrong with my child. I wasn't
seeing my father while growing up, would you say
that has got any impact on me? Except you want to
claim the impact is what we are talking about now,
but I'm the only one among my siblings who has
this believe of not getting married. My brothers are
married, my sisters are married. Gloria is not
married, but she'd like to get married. So that
believe that the child will be affected is nonsense.
No marriage can save a child that Is not naturally
not strong. There are some married people that
might has well not be married. I have a bobo
(boyfriend) now, my relationship with him is
sweeter than that of most people that are in
marriages. If I'm lying let something happen. You'll
see some couples who seem happy, but their
children are feeling deprived because of a marriage
that is not working. I'm not trying to generalise
here, I'm just saying there is always a situation for
every situation. A child that grows up in a marriage
where the father beats the mother or the mother
beats the father, as it is in some cases might grow
up to become a bully to his or her spouse in
marriage. The child will grow up to feel it's ok to
beat his or her spouse. So just because you are
married doesn't guarantee that your children will
have a more fulfilled life than the child raise outside
wedlock.
You Just disclosed that you have a bobo and that
you are happy with him, my question is, if you can
be happy with him out of wedlock, why can't you be
by marrying him?
If I can be happy without marrying him, why then
must I marry him? Must I sign that paper? I have
told you my stand on marriage already or else I
have to repeat it again!
So, tell us more about your bobo?
My bobo is very handsome , quiet and nice. That's
the end of story, thank You.
What's your take on wide age gap in a relation,
especially the older-lady-younger-man debate?
That's another double standard. We have in this
country. If a 60year old man is dating a 30year old
girl, people will start hailing him. But if a 30 years
old man is dating a 60 years old lady, you can never
see the end of the story. It's one of the nonsensical
double standard we have against women in this
country.
But can you date someone younger?
(Cuts in) I only date younger men! I'm not interested
in older men. One of the reasons is that they are all
married, and secondly they all have big 'belle'. All of
dem too get big belle. I nor like big belle o.
Oh really?
Yes, look, I'm a very straight forward person. You
are attracted to what you are attracted to. Some
people like skinny, dark girls, they'll never chase
me. Some people like light skinned, round girls,
they'll chase me. Some people like short women,
they will not come after me, some like tall girls and
will come after me. I might see a fine guy with a
round stomache or chubby look and say, "oh, this
guy is very handsome" but the chemistry won't be
there and I cannot force myself to like what I don't
like. I like a slim, tall, and dark guy with a flat
tummy, maybe because I'm big, so I'm attracted to
the opposite. I also don't like
light skinned men. I might see a handsome yellow
guy and say "awww, this guy is cute", but the
chemistry will also not be there, maybe because it
reminds me of my brothers. My brothers are light
skinned. I don't really know why it works for me
that way, but I don't deceive myself. I also tell
people, don't deceive yourself. I don't have anything
against older men, if I'm searching and i find an
older man in my specs, then leggo! As regards age,
I'm not that old, I'm only 42. My bobo is 34. Yes.
The concern with this kind of your relationship is
about IQ and maturity compatibility, how do you
both relate on the same level?
That is very general. Look at my son, Elisha. Elisha
was talking to me about his views on politics today,
how do you feel he'll think when he is fifteen. He is
only six. His agemates were looking at him like
what's GDP? The guy I'm dating right now is way
more mature than most 50-year-olds I know. The
things that freak them don't freak him. For instance,
you'll never see him in a strip club and you see
some big babas in a strip club screaming in
ecstasy. It's just like some of the listeners of our
programs on Classic FM, we play old school and
you'll be shocked at how young many of our
listeners are. A lot of them are just like 24-years
old. They call in and start telling us about songs of
Nat King Cole. I will be wondering how these young
people get to Know about all these songs.
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